What I've learned.

So, in the past eleven and a half weeks (Holy cow!!!) I've learned that being a mama has its ups and downs, and that when you think you have something down, your baby will completely change the game on you. I've learned that the worst poops will happen when you didn't pack a change of clothes for you or baby. I've learned that the little things will absolutely melt your heart. I've learned that it's the hardest thing I will ever do. I've learned that there are some feelings I'm ashamed to admit, but in the end it's okay because I truly love him. I've learned that adult interaction is necessary for my sanity. I've learned that I can't do all the same things I did before. I've learned that I get to do so many more amazing things. I've learned that very few things will work more than once. I've learned that the animals will always be the loudest right after I get R to fall asleep. I've learned that sleep is scarce and how to deal with that a little. I've learned the magic of coffee. I've learned that Papa's will try their hardest, but still manage to bug you because they just don't get it. I've learned that R's smile can always make me smile. I've learned that you will get more unsolicited advice than you can shake a stick at. I've learned that R will ALWAYS cry as I begin to eat or get a shower. I've learned that babies will fight sleep tooth, nail, and lungs. I've learned that even though I get so frustrated when he's lost his mind, I get so sad when I see how much he's grown. I've learned to take help wherever I can get it. I've learned that I miss cooking. I've learned that I have a baby that just needs to be held. I've learned that I am RIDICULOUSLY out of shape. I've learned the value of baby wearing. I've learned that some friendships will end. I've learned that I'll long for old friends, but look forward to new friends. I've learned that not everyone will agree with my style of parenting, nor I theirs. I've learned that I will be told I am spoiling my child. I've learned that I will not hesitate to be an advocate for my child. I've learned that some things I would have previously considered gross I now do without a second thought. I've learned the many uses of breast milk. I've learned that I'm really good at masking my frustration. I've learned that it's okay to cry. I've learned that husbands give really good hugs. I've learned that my life has changed for the better. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that my life is amazing.

Also, I swear I have pictures, I just have to post them. :)

Life With A Baby

R was born 4 weeks ago today, so he is either a month old today or will be here in three days. He is staying awake a lot more, eating constantly, following our faces, and beginning to hold his head for short periods. He is extremely needy, hating to be set down, hating to sleep anywhere that isn't on one of us, and always hungry, but we love him. He has set a bit of a schedule for himself at night. He wakes up to eat and be changed at about 11, 2, 5, and 8. By 8 he has decided that he is up for the morning. At that point we get up, get changed, eat, and then he refuses to be set down. Because of this, we are having a little bit of trouble figuring out how to get back into our old routine. I very recently discovered that R will tolerate being in my mei tai wrap as long as he is practically asleep when I put him in. From there he goes to sleep and I can do the dishes and pick up a bit before he decides he is done and wants to eat RIGHT NOW! It has been a big accomplishment! I'm hoping that with this discovery I'll be able to get back in the swing of things. I am so incredibly out of practice when it comes to cooking, cleaning, crafting, everything. I miss baking, I miss crocheting, I miss a lot of the things I was doing when I had two hands.

The Hubs goes back to work on Tuesday, and I really hate to see him go. He has been so incredibly helpful, and I'm nervous about being on my own with the baby for the first time. I'm nervous about being completely on my own during night duty. I'm nervous about my little bit of progress disappearing once I don't have him here to take the baby for a moment. I'm nervous about not having anyone here to help when I get overwhelmed. It's definitely going to be an adjustment!

So, here are the goals:
-Get back on track with Motivated Moms
-Bake something
-Go to knitting and actually crochet

So, does anyone have any suggestions for getting things done with a needy baby?

Also, in case you weren't aware, IT'S FALL! I adore summer, but fall holds a special place in my heart. I love the smells, the tastes, the pleasantly cool air, and being from Florida, I love the colours! Having a baby now, I want to start some developing some family traditions. This year I want us to go to a pumpkin patch and pick apples. In the future I want us to all bake pumpkin treats, have a bon fire, and to grow and give pumpkins to our neighbors.

I truly can't wait to get R involved in the turning of the seasons with us. I see how difficult he can be right now, with needing to be held and reassured all the time that the world is an okay place to be, and it is so incredibly worth it. I look at him and I see all the things he is learning to do and I imagine all the things we will do, and my heart just swells. These first days can be difficult, but they are becoming easier. They can be difficult, but they will be so short. One month has passed and it happened so quickly! How quickly will the rest of time pass? Every time I think of how tired I am or how I wish he would just let me lay him down for a moment, I think of how soon he will be running and not wanting to be held. It makes me reevaluate things, and I snuggle him closer. I love being a mama and I don't want these days to end.

He's Here!

The weeks leading up to my labour were full of bad luck. Our AC had died (and thankfully been fixed) in part of the house, the master bath had mysteriously flooded, the cat managed to get life threateningly ill, and just two days before the big day, the septic had backed up into the house. I woke up at about 5:30 a.m. on August 25th to thunder and mild cramping. I tossed and turned for a bit before finally giving up and deciding to go to the bathroom. Being 41 weeks and 1 day, I did the frequent prayer for bloody show, and this morning my prayer had finally been answered. The poor cat had gotten himself locked in the bathroom with me and must have been quite confused by my little celebration. Afterwards I made my way back to bed, because I knew I was going to have a very long day ahead of me. After a few minutes of being extremely uncomfortable, I decided to make the best of it and just get up for the day. At about six the power flashed and being mildly afraid of the dark, I ran back to the bedroom to wake my hubby up and let him know that I thought things were starting. At this point the thunder was rather intense and he decided to just get up as well. As we worked on eating breakfast and cleaning up we decided to go ahead and time contractions so that we could give our midwives and Marie an idea as to where I was. By about 7:30 my contractions were around 30-40 seconds long and about four minutes apart, and this is where they stayed for most of the day. Around 9 we decided to go ahead and give Marie the okay too come over even though we didn't think we needed her yet. The rain was pretty bad and the streets were flooding, so we were all concerned that her car wouldn't make it if we waited much longer. As it turned out, it was already too late, and the Hubs had to go out and pick her up. Shortly after Marie arrived we discovered that the power was out in half our house. This, of course, was the half that controlled most of our major appliances, including the AC.  The entire time, I was having back labour and my contractions would get very intense any time I sat. We decided to distract ourselves by playing cards until the electric company could come out. Eventually Marie talked me into sitting and continuing to sit through a few contractions to let them continue doing what they needed to do. Without fail I would have a contraction at the start of each of my turns. After a few games and a glass of wine, Marie and I decided to try and get a nap since it was going to be such a late night. I laid down for a little bit, but my contractions were getting stronger and stronger, and laying down was anything but comfortable. I got back up, and Marie followed shortly after. At this point my contractions were definitely a fair deal more intense and my back was killing me! Marie, Laura, and Bettie all suggested I get on all fours to see if baby would reposition himself enough to help my back a bit. I got into position and stayed that way for about an hour, to no avail. My back continued to throb no matter what we did. By now my contractions were close to a minute long, but still around four minutes apart. I spoke with Bettie while we figured out what the plan would be in case the roads were still flooded and to let me know she would be in Virginia Beach for a bit. A little while after getting off the phone with Bettie, Laura texted to see how everything was going. She asked if I wanted Bettie to come by and check on me on her way through town, but I said no because even though things felt intense, I knew it would stay that way for quite a while, especially if baby was sunnyside up. I knew that all she would be able to tell me was what I was already doing. Within half an hour things intensified again, and the Hubs decided he wanted someone to come check on us anyways, even though I insisted that things were fine. Laura said we had missed Bettie, but that she would come over. The Hubs was amazing. He was always right where he needed to be, doing exactly what needed to be done. He would follow Marie's lead, trading off doing counter pressure and holding hot rags to my back. As soon as he would notice I was having a contraction, he would drop what he was doing and hold me while we swayed together, reminding me that I could do absolutely anything for a minute. After a particularly intense contraction I decided to try going to the bathroom even though I really, REALLY didn't want to. Sitting always made my contractions worse, and sitting on the toilet was excruciating. All day anytime I would sit to go to the bathroom, I would have to jump up halfway through to deal with the contraction. This time, the contraction began as I was sitting, and I finally decided, screw this, I'm peeing in the tub. As soon as I stepped in the tub, another extremely intense contraction hit and as it ended, I couldn't not push. With that, my water broke. Almost immediately, another contraction came. After a little bit, Marie came to check on me, and I can only imagine what she was thinking when she saw me standing in the tub! She came over and helped me take my shirt off so that she could spray water on my back. This is where things get a little hazy for me. Someone called Laura to say she really needed to hurry and at some point Marie called Bettie. Bettie began to walk Marie through what needed to be done, and the goal was to keep me from pushing until Laura arrived. She had me lay down on my side and blow through the contractions, which didn't work very well. I remember being really upset that the Hubs' mom and sister weren't there yet, and it seemed like they walked in right then. From that point it was game on, and he was coming whether we were ready or not. Bettie walked Marie through every step, and at 8:10 p.m., he came out, not sunnyside up, just huge and yelling. Marie got to be the one to hand me my baby for the first time, and I honestly couldn't imagine it any other way. Seconds later, Laura walked in and took over. Very shortly after that, we lost all power, so weighing him, measuring him, everything had to done by candlelight. It was really cool and I feel like that just really added to the experience. Everything was perfect, R scored two 9's, I only had a tiny tear that didn't even need stitches, and no one freaked out. It was amazing.

It's getting so real!

When the Hubs and I found out in December that we were expecting our first little one, we were absolutely shocked. Not because we are young, not because we weren't trying, but because we had been trying for so long with no result.

I will give you a quick run down so that you can better understand what I mean.

We were told very early that if we wanted biological children, that we would need to begin the process quickly. They had done what felt like hundreds of blood tests, an HSG, ultrasounds, everything, and they said it all came back normal. At the time, my doctors weren't exactly sure what the problem was, but they predicted that I was probably having anovulatory cycles, and that as time went by it would probably get worse. Since we both really wanted children, we immediately began trying, and month after month nothing changed. Since my cycles were so infrequent, every month I would be sure this was it, because Aunt Flo was nowhere to be seen. Each month we would anxiously test, and each month would end in heartbreak. After a while my doctor decided it was time to add Clomid and ovulation predictors to the routine. I took the Clomid for about four months, sometimes responding, sometimes not, before I was finally transferred to an actual infertility clinic about an hour away. From here, a Reproductive Endocrinologist quickly diagnosed me with PCOS and had us begin Clomid IUIs with HCG shots. After another four months of this with no success and my body not responding well, we discovered another roadblock. At one of the scans the RE noticed a strange cyst, and decided to have us get an ultrasound just to be sure that everything was okay. What we discovered was that while the cyst was of no concern, the fallopian tube it was on was. We learned that something wasn't quite right with the tube, and that I would need surgery to figure out what was going on and to hopefully fix it. During the surgery it was discovered that the tube was covered in cysts, blocked, twisted, and full of fluid from the previously mentioned cysts. There was nothing they could do other than remove it, and remove it they did. After a month or so to recover, we picked right up with the IUIs and a new medication, Femara. I responded beautifully to Femara, but still wasn't pregnant after another three months. Then, right before Thanksgiving, we were devastated to learn that I had not responded to the medication. I had a couple tiny follicles, but nothing that would be viable. After re-scan and no growth, the RE told me this particular cycle had failed. He said I would not ovulate this month and that I shouldn't come back until we were ready to proceed with IVF.  Over the next few days I kept stubbornly testing for ovulation, but kept coming up negative. Hubs' aunt then gave us a mother goddess doll, and I kid you not, I ovulated the next day! At this point I was so late in my cycle that I sincerely doubted it would work, but we decided to give it a go any ways. And two weeks later, there were two glorious lines. We later found out that I ovulated from the ovary without a fallopian tube, and so it was even more special.

I promise that was the quick version!

So, after all that, it's been very hard to believe at times that this is actually happening. I remember in the very beginning I was sure the test was faulty. Then I was skeptical that I wasn't just being shown a video of an ultrasound. Then I had to convince myself that my midwife wasn't just telling me she found a heartbeat to spare me. Then I was sure that those little flutters were all in my head. I was just so sure that after two years of disappointment that this was just going to end in disappointment as well. Anytime something good would happen, something worse was just around the corner. Now that I'm as far along as I am, there is no denying it! My belly has grown and those flutters are full on punches now.

I'm 78 days away from my guess date, and it still shocks me to know that this is actually happening. It actually worked. We're actually going to be parents. It's not a big elaborate scheme to crush me in the end, this is real! And I couldn't be happier.